The Canard
“All the fake news that’s fit to print”
“All the fake news that’s fit to print”
Warning: This story is intended for mature audiences only.
Washington, D.C. — Racy pictures emerged today of noted international relations professor Dan Nexon. The academic, whose book The Struggle for Power in Early Modern Europe: Religious Conflict, Dynastic Empires, and International Change (Princeton University Press, 2009) recently won the International Security Studies Section (ISSS) Best Book Award for 2010, teaches at Georgetown University. The photos were taken while Nexon was a graduate student at Columbia University.
In an exclusive interview with the Canard, Nexon did not deny that it is indeed him in the photos. He attempted to explain the sordid images. “At the time, I was a starving graduate student living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. And everyone knows that Columbia admits as many unfunded students as they can and makes them compete for fellowships. I had to pay the bills somehow.”
Nexon has tenure at Georgetown, but the university has a strict Jesuit code of conduct that its employees must adhere to. It is not clear as to whether Nexon’s actions, which occurred prior to his employment at the university, violate those ethical clauses. The International Security Studies Section is under intense political pressure to revoke his crown. ISSS officer T.V. Paul explained: “Academics are not just figures in the public eye. They are role models to younger graduate students, whether they like it or not. We can’t just overlook this. Celebrity comes with responsibility.”
Those who know Nexon are also distancing themselves from him. Reached for comment, American University professor Patrick Thaddeus Jackson said, “Yes we were in school together, we have co-authored some pieces and we live in the same city. But our relationship is really just professional. I had no knowledge of Dan’s double life. Now please get off my lawn.”
Nexon’s book, which traces how the Reformation destabilized imperial forms of rule, appeared to rave reviews. It appears that with Nexon’s growing notoriety, the struggling photographer who originally snapped the pictures decided to capitalize. The photographer is also penning a tell-all piece for Perspectives on Politics. The journal is not revealing whether the photographer has been paid for the story.
A debate is currently raging on the website Political Science Job Rumors as to whether Nexon is “hot or not.” As of press time, the tally is running in Nexon’s favor. Hits to Nexon’s website, the Duck of Minerva, have surged since the story first leaked on the web.
Ironically, Nexon might have never written his book had it not been for the experience in male modeling. “Just like early European states, I realized I was a ‘composite.’ I am not just an academic, but also a sensual being. That sparked my initial interest in the topic.”
Nexon might have also appeared in an adult film at the time, Smokey and the Beaver, although this has not been confirmed as of press time. The professor had no comment on that issue, referring all questions on the subject to his lawyer.
Brian —
I especially like the paragraph about DN realizing he is a “composite.” Regrettably, the joke may be lost on those who have not yet managed to make their way through at least the first half of The Struggle for Power in Early Modern Europe.
I assume Dan is planning a ‘revenge’ post that will poke good-natured fun at your academic output (I was going to say oeuvre but that’s too pretentious.)
(btw, PTJ’s ‘get off my lawn’ is also a nice touch)
Thanks, LFC. I hope Dan found it funny too and I welcome the retaliation. I hope it came across as admiration masked with satire, which was the intent. Everyone should read this book.
Has anyone seen the images of Ken Waltz? Horrifying. I believed he’s released three.