The Duck of Minerva

The Duck Quacks at Twilight

Best blog post ever

November 3, 2007

I break my self-imposed hiatus because there’s a whole lotta “best web post ever” goodness going around.

Obviously, Belle Waring’s “If Wishes Were Horses, Beggars Would Ride — A Pony” belongs high up on the list. I’d score it a bit higher if this weren’t, as far as I can tell, a staple of gen-x mockery prior to Belle’s post.

But, the fact of the matter is… and now I’m going to get choked up and grieve for a minute about the gaping hole its lack of updates has left in the blogmarch… almost any random selection from Fafblog would beat out the competition. So, below the fold, I pilfer reproduce one of my very favorite Fafblog posts. Bonus (or, more like, blech-ness), it is oh, so timely.

Would You, Could You, In A Box?

There’s a bomb on the streets of Hypotheticopolis – a ticking bomb! – and only Giblets can stop it! But time is running out and in order to find it Giblets may have to resort to the first weapon of last resort: torture. But oh how to apply it in this delicate moral quandry!

Detainee #0001: ABU MUHAMMED AL-HITLER. An evil Islamist Nazi space beast from space, only he knows the location of the secret marble-sized Death Bomb that could explode the world at any moment! He is also made of poison and eats babies by the bucket! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Giblets doesn’t have to think about this one – he’s made of poison, people! Giblets will of course regret this terrible violation of human rights and civil liberties, almost as much as he will regret enjoying it.

Detainee #0002: ABU MOHAMMED AL-HITLER. So Giblets grabbed the wrong al-Hitler the first time. How was Giblets supposed to know Muhammed was such a common name! But now Giblets has his man! – probably! – and he isn’t talking. TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? There is no question about it with the zillions of lives at stake! The good of the many! The good of the one! But oh how Giblets feels for human rights! Giblets will pour one out for his human rights homies when he is done.

Detainees #0003-#0026: A BUSLOAD OF GUYS WHO MIGHT HANG OUT WITH ABU MOHAMMED AL-HITLER. Okay, so that last guy didn’t seem to know anything either. But we’ve grabbed this bus coming out of the Terror District in Terrortown and some of these guys gotta be terrorists! Right now all of ’em deny everything, but that’s just what you’d expect of the lousy terrorist buddies of a baby-eating Nazi. TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Well, it’s a big bus! Some of ’em have to deserve it, so bring it on – we still have a ticking bomb to find! ‘Course there’s gonna be innocent victims which will be a terrible tragedy. Oh, the fog of war, oh the eggs and omelettes! Mmmm, omelettes. Giblets could really go for one of those right about now.

Detainee #0027: DR. PEPPER. Nothin’ feels better in the middle of a long hard day of torture than a tall frosty glass of Dr. Pepper. The only thing this prisoner is aiding and abetting is refreshment!

Detainee #0028: PIZZA MAN JOE. The bus terrorists were useless! But they did give Giblets the name of Pizza Man Joe, the pizza delivery man who may very well have delivered hot, deliciously Islamist pizza to Abu Mohammed al-Hitler at his secret bomb base! He claims he doesn’t remember where he dropped off those sleeper-cell cinnamon stix, but a little torture ought to jog his memory! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? This isn’t some ordinary pizza guy. He’s the pizza guy of terror. And there are the estimated one point five squillion innocent lives! Blah blah human rights blah.

Detainee #0029: ME. Pizza Man Joe has told Giblets nothing! – or has he? Maybe he told Giblets exactly where to find the ticking bomb but Giblets is holding it back because Giblets has gone over to the other side! TORTURE or NOT TORTURE? Oh, sure, Giblets might look innocent, but we can’t take any chances with jabillions of lives in the balance! Besides, where’d Giblets get all this experience torturing people? That’s for terrorists! This might take a while – I got a feelin’ I’m gonna be a tough nut to crack.

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Daniel H. Nexon is a Professor at Georgetown University, with a joint appointment in the Department of Government and the School of Foreign Service. His academic work focuses on international-relations theory, power politics, empires and hegemony, and international order. He has also written on the relationship between popular culture and world politics.