Long-term readers will be distressed to learn that the first batch of “doomsday seeds” have arrived in Norway, and will soon be on their way to Svalbard.

Despite our best efforts, authorities remain indifferent to the threat posed by Svalbard to world security.

Meanwhile, the CIA has scrubbed Svalbard from its proper place among the most militarized territories on the planet.

A Svalbard Panzerbjørn Recruitment Poster